Introspection (translation)
by Eilisande
Summary: The cluster has managed to capture their enemies, but Wolfgang is still a prisoner and it will take time to get his release. Meanwhile, Kala remains alone with her worries about their future. Fortunately, Amanita and Nomi are here to give her hope. This text is between season 2 and the finale.


Translation of one of my fics, a little reflexion about Kala and Wolfgang, written before the finale.  
Do not hesitate to leave a review.

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Kala Dandekar, if she had to be honest, was forced to confess that she didn't loved herself . She did not like her shyness, did not like her explosive temperament and, above all, despised her selfishness and the feeling of superiority she sometimes felt towards other people. Oh, she did not doubt that she had qualities, and she knew them. She was compassionate, pious, devoted to her family, hardworking, ... But all things considered, she did not think she was a good person. That was probably why she did not think she deserved happiness. At most she could try to give it to someone. So, if Rajan thought he would be happy with her, could she refuse? If her family was happy to see her marry, shouldn't she do it? Yes, she would not be happy, but everyone else would be. It was more important.

She could have been content with that, being a devoting and smiling wife. But then, there had been Wolfgang. Wolfgang who looked at her from afar with that intense look, Wolgang who took her in his arms, barely touching her, as if afraid to hurt her. And because they were of the same cluster, she knew that the very idea of seeing her hurt made him shake with horror.

She loved his smiles, those amused smiles he was giving to some of the members of the cluster, the indulgent smile he reserved toFelix, the half-hearted smile he gave to her, and the one who did not even need to reach his lips because his eyes were too eloquent.

She loved his smell that permeated her clothes and entire room and seemed to float around her for several minutes after she left, to the point that she sometimes feared that Rajan would notice her. She liked his hands, rough and hot when he put them on her shoulder or on her back. She loved the warmth of his breath on the back of her neck and the way he touched her hair. She loved his way of standing and looking at the world like it was a battlefield, even though she disapproved of his violence.

There was just one thing that Kala hated about Wolfgang. He always knew what she wanted better than her. Or rather, he sayed aloud what she refused to recognize thinking. Sometimes he even said things she had never even realized she was thinking about herself, about Rajan, about her family, about the world. Of course, he could do it. Each cluster member could do it with the other seven. But did he have to do it so often, and always with that little smile that seemed to say that she behaved like a child by denying reality?

She had not even fallen in love with him at first sight. Yes, there had been something that had intrigued her in this blond man alone on a terrace in Mumbai, in the way he had looked at her. But she had fallen in love with him only during their second meeting when he started singing in that bar in Germany and she joined. Once, Wolfgang had told her that he had known as soon as he had met her eyes, the very first time, that he would love her until his death. That at first he only spoked of desire because he did not want to frighten her and because he was not ready himself to recognize it. That he had seen something incredible about her that almost made him fall to his knees. "That's what religious fervour looks like, I believe," he said. Blasphemy had made Kala less uncomfortable than his tone of absolute certainty.

She had trouble accepting to be in love with him. She was still struggling. It had always seemed to her that one of her greatest qualities was her loyalty. So why was she always betraying Rajan's trust? She could not fool herself, she was unfaithful. That she deceived Rajan in thought only changed nothing. All of this was Wolfgang's fault.

No, it was her fault too. She should never have answered when he was flirting with her. She could not pretend to have misunderstood that he was making her advances, that he was trying to convince her of his love, to persuade her to choose him. He was so sure that the two of them were something natural that she almost came to share his opinion.

When had things gone too far? When she first confided in Wolfgang? When he had come to her wedding, gloriously naked, but with a sad face? The first time she smiled at him? There must have been a moment she could name!

She did not find it. She had fallen in love, and that was all. She could have resisted this inclination. But she'd fallen in love, again and again, every time she saw Wolfgang's closed face bending over his best friend in the hospital, every time she saw his fists shaking because he felt helpless.

Even when he became a vengeful monster before her eyes, Kala could not turn her heart away from Wolfgang. Perhaps because Wolfgang's rage at his family had become her, just as she loved Amanita and Hernando or Will's father because the members of her cluster loved them. She could not do otherwise.

Also, she loved her gods. She believed that Parvati, the woman of the mountain, Shiva's sweet companion, was also Kali the destroyer. Ganesh's mother herself could be violent beyond all reason. To accept this same violence coming from Wolfgang was surprisingly easy. She was well aware of her own dark side. Had not she rushed to help him when she saw him cornered by his family?

She had tried to run away after this scene, of course. But he made it impossible, looking at her from afar whenever he could, smiling at her and undressing her just by looking at her. They laughed in the snow of Berlin. Why did he have to be so patient and attentive and present, even when her husband who was physically there did not always manage to do it? How could he be more honest with her, he, a thief and a murderer, than Rajan who let his company sell ineffective drugs in Kenya and elsewhere? That day she had seen, really see Rajan for the first time. She had known then that she could never love him the way she loved Wolfgang, the way any member of the cluster loved their partner. She had had time to think about it as she watched Rajan reluctantly strive to redeem himself. She was ashamed because she didn't want to wait for him to do it. Rajan may not have been the perfect man she thought of at their engagement, but he was a good man. He deserved that she make the effort to love and support him. If she had married him, she had to support him. She should have stayed with him no matter what he said. But she had agreed to leave, not because she was afraid or because she trusted him, but because Paris was so close to Berlin.  
Why did Wolfgang draw her to him again and again? Why did she urge him to come back to her every time one of them hesitated?

That was the problem. They always went back to each other. Why? Because she was dishonest, indecisive, as quick to judge as to sin, ready for any compromise. She was going to stay a pretty housewife because she was too cowardly. She could not even whisper what she wanted to scream. And she was just as ready to betray the confidence one could have in her.

Kala had kept all those things for herself for hours, days, months. It had to come out before she exploded or go scream her rage in the street, at the risk of sabotaging their entire operation. It was not surprising that, as soon as she was in their new London hideaway, she got up and started pacing. She had to speak, and she spoke, unable to interrupt her own logorrhea.

She was silent after talking so long that her throat was almost painful. Amanita leaned over Nomi, making the sofa of their London squat in which they were huddling and sitting cross-legged squish

"Is she always like that?"

Nomi failed to contain her laugh and smiled broadly at her fiancée.

"Yes. Always."

"I'm not always that way," Kala protested.

"I agree that's right, I correct. Sometimes she turns into the most dangerous of us all and she starts to blow up cars, set fire to restaurants or create homemade bombs."

"Could she teach me?"

Amanita leaned forward while talking, but suddenly she widened her eyes and leaned back on the sofa, her hands on her mouth.

"I'm sorry Kala. It's just that it's ... strange to talk to you directly. I don't want to ignore you, I'm just too used to talking about all of you in the third person."

"It does not matter," Kala replied with an indulgent smile. "It's also strange to talk to you directly for the first time when I feel like I've known you for months. And now the first thing I do is complain and talk about my life."

Nomi got up and went to hug Kala before gently bringing her back to the couch. She sat the devastated young woman between her and Amanita who hastened to grab her hand as if to make sure of her real presence.

"It's expected, you're worried about Wolfgang," Nomi muttered to reassure her while stroking her hair. "It's your way of getting rid of your anxiety."

"Here! Why does this kind of remark not bother me in your mouth but exasperate me when Wolfgang say it?"

"Because you're in love with him."

"But you never feel that when Amanita tells you things you do not necessarily want to hear!"

Kala was so upset that her hands were shaking. She tried to rise, but the two Americans sat her down. Over her head, they exchanged a look. They were worried and sorry for her. They knew how much Kala was afraid for Wolfgang. She needed to know where he was. The cluster and Amanita had managed to capture Whispers and Jonas but it had been impossible for them to reach Wolfgang. As long as their two captives were not awake, it was impossible to know where the German was. If Kala was so worried about small things, it was to avoid panic. She could not think about the torture Wolfgang had suffered. They could be torturing him right now. They all knew this.  
"It's not the same Kala."

The young woman held back a groan

"How?"  
"First, Neets and I met before all these cluster and psyllium things. No threat hovered over our heads, we could just be ourselves. This is not your case. Wolfgang had his ... family problems to handle. It was heavy on his heart. You, you had your wedding coming. This is not exactly a good way to meet and fall in love."

"We met at the right time," said Amanita. "I love Nomi with all my heart, but if I had met her, let's say, a month before your second birth? I do not know if I would have had the strength to stay and fight with her."

"I think you would have. You are the most courageous girl I know and you do not support injustice and hate when people goes after the weakest."

Amanita blushed under the compliment.

"To return to your problem, Kala," said Nomi, "I think there are many things you must understand. The first is that you and Wolfgang come from two worlds, two completely different cultures. Our link makes it easier to understand the culture of others, but even then I sometimes have trouble understanding the reasons behind Sun's actions for example. Even Neets and I sometimes had trouble understanding each other at first."

"I tried very hard, but I was incapable to decide if Nomi was a stuck girl not yet quite comfortable with her sexuality, if my skin colour bothered her, or if she found me so sexy that she was reduced to silence. I really hoped it was the right explanation. I ended up asking her the question and she burst into tears."

"I did not dare tell her I was trans. The first girl I went out with called me an abnormal freak when I told her. The truth is that I still let my parents dictate my way of thinking. I still believed that I could be accepted by them as a daughter if I only behave as they wanted. That could have prevented us from falling in love. Kala, you must understand that most of your reasoning seems illogical to Wolfgang because he is a Westerner. You both need to explain more to understand each other and be more lenient with these differences."

"I can do this. What else?"

"You must stop self-flagellation just because you love him. You found yourself at first sight, more than any of us except Will and Riley. Accept it. Stop fighting it and everything will be easier."

Kala dubiously pouted. It seemed too simple to her.

"They are right you know."

Lito was sitting against the opposite wall. He was not really there, of course. His body was upstairs, sitting in front of the room where Hernando had locked himself up with Daniela after discovering the truth about Lito. He was upset because of his silence this past months. Lito was the only one to fear that Hernando would not forgive him.

"Sometimes," continued Lito, "we love someone so much that we feel we know them instinctively. This does not mean that you cannot be wrong about that person sometimes. I did not say anything to Hernando because I wanted to protect him from all our problems. I did not want him to live in anguish like Amanita."

Whispering, Nomi repeated these words to his fiancée. Amanita laughed softly, shaking her head with a sad look.

"Life is not a movie, Lito," she sighed, staring at the wall a few feet away from where the actor was really standing.

"I know," he answered through Nomi's mouth. "But, sometimes I forget that things work differently outside of the movies. By dint of playing taciturn heroes to whom everything succeeds, I sometimes behave like them. I tend to hide the important things and it comes back to bite me."

Amanita and Kala exchanged a dubious look. Lito did not need excuses to give in to his melodramatic inclinations.

"I know that life is not a movie", protested Kala." I think I'm pretty down to earth so I do not need that kind of reminder."

"Really?" Nomi asked. "You grew up with Bollywood movies where the beautiful heroine brings the bad boy back to his senses. Wolfgang fed on movies where mafia men are monsters without any chance of redemption. Sometimes, just sometimes, you seem to do everything to conform to these movies."

"Do not make the same mistake as me with Hernando," Lito insisted. "Speak. Do not just be happy just because you breathe the same air he breathes or because your hands brush against each other. A happy ending, it is won by the sweat of his forehead, not in tears of blood."

On this quote, probably extracted from one of his innumerable own movies, Lito disappeared. Kala remained thoughtful for a moment.

"I should just ... accept my feelings? Was that not what I was doing already?"

"You accept them, but you refuse to act accordingly," said Nomi. "You know that you are in love with Wolfgang, but you deny that your feelings towards him are permanent and unavoidable. You flee them because that would mean that you should think about a future together. You are lucky to be in love with a man who reveres your presence, who will never leave you totally and whose soul you share. Maybe you should stop worrying about your parents, your husband, or us and just take the place you want next to Wolfgang. You blame yourself for being selfish. For me, struggling so long against your feelings proved the exact opposite."

Amanita nodded ferociously.

"For my part, I think that when the whole universe seems to conspire to bring you physically to the same place - and in Paris, the city of love - it's time to use common sense and say '' yes '' to destiny! Kala, we captured Whispers and Jonah. We will find a way to recover your Wolfgang, I promise you. So in exchange, promise us to stop worrying and trust you."

Kala nodded and let the two Americans stand to go find Lito He needed company, too. They may be right. Kala wanted to believe them, to believe that she deserved a future with Wolfgang. Perhaps they were predestined to meet each other. She loved this idea of destiny because you can not fight against destiny. It was time to fight for Wolfgang and not against herself. Smiling through her tears, she get up and left the room.

Sun, Will and Riley were preparing their plans to secure a future and freedom for their entire cluster. It was time she joined them to do the same, and if all went well, she would soon hold Wolfgang in her arms.


End file.
